


Romance under the Pines

by smallandstrange



Category: Camp Pining Hearts - Fandom, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Camp Pining Hearts, Canada, Fanfiction, M/M, Moose, Mutual Pining, Peridot is shipper trash, Rough Kissing, Sexual Content, Smut, Trudeau, bad fan fiction, outdoors, poor steven, pun intended
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 04:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7604275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallandstrange/pseuds/smallandstrange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peridot tries her hand at smut.</p><p>Yes, Pierre's pet moose is named Trudeau.</p><p>Enjoy this crack fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Romance under the Pines

The dim ruby-colored light of Earth’s sun reflected off of Percy’s soft golden locks as it set. It also made a beautiful and sexy greenish sort of color as it sifted through the emerald needles of the noble pine trees. Percy sat next to one of these tall and majestic pine trees, by the banks of the creek. He liked being alone, with only the sound of the rushing water, his Canadian flag stuck in the ground next to him.

“This is way better than kissing Paulette.” He exclaimed out loud. 

Paulette was so annoying. She always wanted to hug Pierre and put her gross, bacteria-ridden mouth all over his mouth, which was pure and beautiful. She always wanted him to be nice to her just because they were dating. Of course, Pierre was far too nice and amazing to break up with her. He was too nice to hurt anyone’s feelings. Even someone as inconsequential as Paulette.

“It’s just so hard…” he wept. “Being so beautiful and perfect. But also too nice and innocent to realize it.” He cried, shielding his objectively flawless face with his delicate hands.

“Well, well, well.” Rumbled a voice like deep, sensual romance thunder. Percy also heard the sound of moose hooves splashing through the creek. “Would you look who it is, Trudeau?”

Percy looked up. It was Pierre. As usual, he was shirtless, his exceptionally well-muscled and bronze torso glistening in the setting sun, as he rode his pet moose Trudeau through the creek and onto the shore. A gentle breeze tousled his obsidian locks, like the gentle caress of a lover.

“P-pierre? Wh-what are you doing here?” Percy stuttered, blushing as he hastily wiped away his shining tears which tasted like maple syrup. 

“I could ask you the same thing, Percy.” Pierre cooed sexily as he dismounted Trudeau. 

“Shouldn’t you be kissing with your mediocre and unattractive girlfriend?” He flexed his large, protective biceps, which were optimal for embracing.

Percy felt feverish, as if his organic immune system was trying to stop an infection. A love infection. 

“Leave Paulette out of this!” Percy yelled, standing face to face with Pierre. His heart beat faster as he realized how much smaller and delicate he was than the superior and strong boy gazing down at him.

“Don’t defend Paulette.” Pierre demanded.

“I know you don’t really have romantic feelings for her. You are too exceptional to like such an inferior being.”

“Stop it! You’re trying to tear us apart! This is just that episode from Season 4 with the poutine eating contest all over again.”

“Oh really, now?” Pierre asked, testily.

“Yes it is. I think you’re just jealous!” Percy replied, angrily.

“So much fire for such a delicate, bird-like and precious young person.” Pierre whispered, haughtily.

“Maybe I am jealous…” Pierre whispered again, wrapping his long phalanges around Percy’s elbows. He leaned his face in to Percy’s face.

“I can win all the color games at Camp, but when will I win your heart, mon cher?”

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Percy stuttered nervously. 

“I think you do. I think you lay awake at night and star gaze pretending that you are not star gazing alone, but next to me; Pierre; your equally perfect and beautiful mate. Stargazing is always better with an optimal partner.” His voice had this sort of dark sexy gravel to it. Percy was kind of scared, but in a sexy way.

More tears fell from Percy’s wide azure eyes.

“You’re right, Pierre, my love! I hate Paulette! All I’ve ever wanted was to align myself with you!” He wept as his nose started leaking too, but because Percy is so beautiful it was not gross at all.

“Let’s start doing kissing things!” Pierre breathed passionately as he pulled Percy closer.

“Yes, Percy my consort and battle partner! Put your perfectly bowed lips all over my face!”

Then they stuck their tongues out and licked each other’s tongues and put them in each other’s mouths. It was sexy and very exciting. Percy felt all tingly inside like he was having a stroke or he was suffering from brain death. But this was the best way he could have ever imagined the inevitable specter of death which haunts all mortal and organic beings. 

“OOOooooooooooohhh mmmmmmm yeahhhh.” Pierre said. 

“Let’s attempt gem fusion with our mouths!” 

“Okay!” Percy whimpered in a breathless voice. 

“Then let’s take off all of our clothing like on that one channel Pearl blocked!” Pierre said naughtily.

“Who’s Pearl?!” Percy asked.

“I don’t know!” Pierre yelled in a husky and romantic way.

“You don’t know what you do to my body!” Percy yelled, feeling his primal hormonal urges for procreation flood his feeble body as Pierre began manually stimulating his—

Steven shut the notebook. He felt cold inside. _"Garnet was right. Spying on Peridot was a bad idea."_


End file.
